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The unfortunate reality is that Christians are separating and divorcing at the same rate as the unbelieving world. But does separation have to mean the end? You may not feel like reconciling. You may not see hope for a reunion. But the biblical ideal for a separated couple is reconciliation. So how do you do it?
When doors slam and angry words fly, when things just aren't working out, and even when your spouse has abandoned your trust, there is hope. Hope for the Separated will show you through God's Word that your marriage can be restored. Recognizing that restoration will not happen for everyone, Dr. Chapman also gives insightful advice for those who experience the pain of divorce.
- Sales Rank: #83643 in Books
- Published on: 2005-01-01
- Released on: 2005-01-01
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 8.50" h x .44" w x 5.50" l, .55 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 176 pages
Review
"Efforts to help marriages in trouble are hard to fault, especially when presented with the good-hearted intentions of an expert like Gary Chapman. His audio is a wise man's overview of how to fix a broken marriage, especially when children are involved. Like his other relationship lessons, this one is grounded in the Christian faith, but it rises above the often trite and smug advice one hears from too many such authors. His voice and message are comforting as his rich baritone conveys his confidence in his ideas. This is a lesson that people of all levels of faith, stress, or disillusionment should hear."
T.W. © AudioFile Portland, Maine
From the Back Cover
"Is your marriage worth fighting for?"
If so, this book is for you.
It takes a tremendous amount of strength to overcome skepticism and weariness and begin the work of healing a broken marriage. But just taking a look at this book shows you have the heart of a fighter. In One More Try, Gary Chapman gives you the courage and confidence to move forward when your marriage is falling apart.
One More Try will help you . . .
· take the next step when blindsided in marriage;
· discover healthy ways to manage frustration and anger;
· effectively deal with loneliness;
· renew hope and trust in your spouse; and
· rebuild your marriage from the ground up.
The content of this book has been significantly revised and updated from its previous title Hope for the Separated.
About the Author
GARY CHAPMAN, PhD, is the author of the #1 New York Times bestselling The 5 Love Languages. With over 30 years of counseling experience, he has the uncanny ability to hold a mirror up to human behavior, showing readers not just where they go wrong, but also how to grow and move forward. Dr. Chapman holds BA and MA degrees in anthropology from Wheaton College and Wake Forest University, respectively, MRE and PhD degrees from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary, and has completed postgraduate work at the University of North Carolina and Duke University. For more information visit his website at www.5lovelanguages.com.
Most helpful customer reviews
36 of 40 people found the following review helpful.
Crosses the Line
By AvidReader
Dr. Gary Chapman has extensive training in counseling and it shows throughout this book. Unlike many other Christian marriage books written by people with minimal training or experience, in this book Dr. Chapman draws upon his years of counseling experience to guide people experiencing the deep pain of marital separation. He makes many great points such as (page 63) “we must acknowledge our feelings but we do not serve them.”
He makes another really good point on pages 36-41: “After separation, an inferior feeling person will typically blame himself for the failure of the marriage, then he or she pleads with the spouse for a chance to start over. When that is spurned, he or she sinks into deep depression and entertains thoughts of suicide….One of the steps in turning your thinking around is to realize that God has not given up on you….In spite of all that has happened God still intends to bring you to wholeness…….Accept God’s forgiveness, forgive yourself and concentrate on the future…”
The best chapter in this book is Chapter 4---Developing Your Relationship with God. Here Dr. Chapman teaches on deepening our walk with God. We appreciated how he emphasized the importance of strengthening our faith during the darkest times of life. This chapter was a pleasant surprise which you don’t often see in marriage books.
The rest of this book emphasizes seeking ways to restore broken marriages. Over and over, Dr. Chapman emphasizes that the purpose of separation is reconciliation. (Page 93) “Your goal is reconciliation with your spouse. You want to keep all roads open in that direction.” But sometimes his advice sounds very cold. He writes on page 95, “You are separated but not divorced. Lonely and alone. Free to hurt but not to remarry……”
Then finally in the last chapter, Dr. Chapman recognizes that sometimes reconciliation is impossible. He writes on page 127, “God will not hold you responsible for the decision of your spouse. You are only responsible for your own attitudes and behavior. If reconciliation is not possible, do not think God’s purposes for you are over…..If your spouse will not return, God will still lead you from the valley of despair to the mountain of joy. God is not through with you.….in those hours when no one else can help, He will assure you of His presence.…”
That’s one of the best points in this book. But reading through the rest of the book leaves you wondering why Dr. Chapman keeps pressuring everyone to reconcile with their spouse when he knows that reconciliation will be clearly impossible in many situations. For example, on page 113, he again recognizes that “reconciliation is not always possible. Your best efforts may meet with coldness, hostility and eventual failure. Even God was not always able to be reconciled to His people.”
Then Dr. Chapman quotes Jeremiah 3:8 where even God Almighty experienced divorce. That’s a really powerful Scripture warning us that when even God Himself reached a point where the only option left was divorce----that can happen to us as well. Dr. Chapman continues, “God would not force Israel to return…..Many separated Christians have prayed and pleaded with God to ‘bring my spouse back.’ The spouse has not returned so the Christian becomes discouraged….God will not force your spouse to return.”
That is a really important point that has been lacking for several other popular Christian marriage books which we read. But the problem with this book is that even though Dr. Chapman recognizes the reality that you cannot force your spouse to return, he keeps pressuring people to wait endlessly, hoping and praying for reconciliation.
On page 67, he gives this advice to people who are separated: “Don’t set time limits for yourself or your spouse. When you set limits, you are trying to dominate the other person.”
How long is someone supposed to wait for their spouse to make a decision to return? Dr. Chapman just acknowledged that the other spouse may never return. Are you supposed to wait forever? This advice is missing the point that there are Biblical grounds for divorce which don’t require a trial separation or waiting period. That’s what Jesus said in Matthew 19:9 and the Apostle Paul confirmed in 1Corinthians 7:15 by saying “let them depart.”
But when Dr. Chapman addresses the issue of infidelity, he gives this advice (pages 27-28) “What if your spouse is having an affair and is now separated from you?....First realize that the third person is never the full reason for separation…..your failures and those of your spouse brought about the demise of your marriage. Unresolved conflict, unmet needs, and stubborn selfishness eat away at the relationship…..therefore each partner must work toward reconciliation.”
“Refuse to let the affair be the issue…..Your spouse may not break off the affair immediately but the more you can do to resolve conflicts and communicate hope, the more attractive reconciliation becomes. When you are lashing out in anger or failing apart in self pity you do not make reconciliation very desirable.”
That’s not what Jesus said! According to Jesus, if your spouse has an affair, you can choose to end the marriage and move on with your life. Not sit around, being held hostage until the other person makes the choice for you. Why is Dr. Chapman more concerned about the feelings of the cheating spouse than the victim?
In this book, Dr. Chapman doesn’t seem to recognize the deep pain caused by an affair when he writes that people need to just ignore the affair and “concentrate on restoring your own relationship…..Obviously you cannot be reconciled until your spouse breaks off the affair but DO NOT SET TIME LIMITS or demand any particular action!”
That’s a real problem when even God Himself sets limits with us. God said, “My spirit will not always strive with man.” (Genesis 6:3) We appreciated how Dr. Chapman mentions this on pages 82-83 when he writes, “Some Christians define love as totally placating the mate’s desires without regard to his or her behavior. This is something that God Himself does not do.…He has established boundaries….when we violate or rebel, God loves us too much to be silent.”
Since God sets boundaries with us, why can’t we also set boundaries in our personal lives? This book doesn’t seem to understand the concept of boundaries when it keeps pressuring people to wait year after year until their spouse makes the choice for them. However we appreciated that Dr. Chapman does recommend the book Boundaries for further reading----that book has a much better Scriptural study on how God expects us to set boundaries.
Speaking of which, we appreciated how Dr. Chapman included an entire chapter in this book on “tough love.” That advice is really needed. But then when he begins addresses separations caused by physical and sexual abuse, once again Dr. Chapman continues pressing for reconciliation instead of recognizing that sending an abused wife back to an abuser is unthinkable!
On page 80 he describes an emotionally distraught lady approaching him for advice on her marriage. She says, “My husband physically and emotionally abused me for eight years. He refused to work. I supported the family for seven years. Then I got sick. Even then he refused to get a job.”
Dr. Chapman advises her to separate from her husband and tell him that refusing to work is a sin (2Thess 3:10). That’s more than you’ll find in many popular Christian marriage books that tell wives to stay in bad situations. But the problem is that Dr. Chapman feels that her husband just needs some counseling from a pastor. Once he finds a job and attends some counseling sessions, then she should let him move back into the home if there’s “some evidence that things can be different.” Then Dr. Chapman tells her, “Your attitude is not to be one of abandonment but of love!”
How could Dr. Chapman send her right back to an abuser? Can a few counseling sessions really change the eight year pattern of abuse? Even Dr. Chapman acknowledges in his other book Desperate Marriages (page 98) that “my observation is that a highly controlling person who has dominated a spouse for many years does NOT change quickly.”
This book gets even worse on pages 83-84 when Dr. Chapman deals with the issue of “sexual abuse of children.” When spouses separate for that reason, he recommends “working closely with a pastor or Christian counselor” and not allowing the abuser to “visit the house” until “there has been considerable counseling and the counselor agrees that such a visit would be safe. A promise to change is not enough in these cases.”
But then once again he emphasizes “remember, our goal is reconciliation.” Reconciliation with a child molester? NO WAY! Jesus clearly said that it would be better for someone to have a millstone tied around them and thrown into the deepest sea than for them to hurt one of the littlest ones. (Matthew 18:6) And Jesus said that “when you did it to the least of them you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:40)
How could Dr. Chapman even consider the thought of pressuring someone to reconcile with a child molester? If reconciliation is so important, why did Jesus say that “I didn’t come to bring peace but division.” (Matthew 10:34) Besides, we all know the verse where the Apostle Paul tells the Corinthian church to kick out the guy sleeping with his father's wife. Would the Apostle Paul have pressured a wife to reconcile with a child abuser?
Just when we want to give Dr. Chapman the benefit of the doubt, he repeats this horrific advice in his other book Difficult Marriages. There on pages 163-165 he gives a real life example of counseling a wife after she had discovered that her husband was molesting their daughters ages sixteen and eighteen. She wants to divorce the husband and protect her daughters by never seeing him again.
Dr. Chapman advises her to separate but not divorce. He tells her to move out of the house and ask her husband to seek counseling. Then after “six to nine months” of counseling for the husband “when the counselor assures you that he has thoroughly worked through this problem then the two of you can begin to go for marriage counseling” which Dr. Chapman expects will last another “six to nine months.”
Reading that left us shaking our heads in horror, unable to believe that a Christian leader like Dr. Chapman would actually keep a wife trapped in that kind of relationship.
Maybe Dr. Chapman said that because he believes that God hates divorce. That’s actually not in the Bible! What Malachi 2:16 (NIV) actually says is “The man who hates and divorces his wife,” says the Lord, the God of Israel, “does violence to the one he should protect.” And the Bible says that God HATES “a proud look, lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood….” (Proverbs 6:17) That’s the key elements in domestic violence.
Even Dr. Chapman begins to realize that so he concludes his discussion on child abuse by suggesting that (page 84) “getting back together without dealing with real problems is almost certain disaster.” But that advice is too little too late when he's spent the majority of the book pressuring wives to get back together.
The Bible clearly commands us “not to associate with anyone who claims to be a believer yet indulges in sexual sin, or is greedy, or worships idols, or is abusive or is a drunkard or cheats people. Don’t even eat with such people.” (1 Cor 5:11 NLT) Why does the church require wives not just to eat with these types of husbands, but also to live and sleep with them too?
Maybe that’s why Jesus warned us about how religious leaders will “reject God’s commands in order to keep their own tradition.” (Mark 7:9) What has gone wrong with Christian counseling that they would even consider pressuring a wife to reconcile with a child abuser? Even the most hardcore heathen counselor wouldn’t do that! This kind of thinking has no place in the body of Christ. That’s why we cannot recommend this book. Even though this book has some really good points, we cannot take the risk that it would lead to hurting one of the little ones. Remember what Jesus said about the millstone before you consider following this type of advice.
1 of 1 people found the following review helpful.
A Friend
By nowelle ross
I am thankful that Dr. Chapman took the time and had the courage to write this meticulously thoughtful and respectful book of advice for people seeking to reconcile a wounded, difficult marriage. He has a gift for writing complex ideas in clear, simple language and adds a deft dash of humor to make the reader smile. Best of all, Dr. Chapman conveys caring through his tone and becomes as a friend helping one cope with the grief of marital separation. His writing is prayerful, based on Scripture, his experience as a marriage counselor, his own marriage, and holds a strictly cautious balanced view of the challenges of marital reconciliation. Of several books I read, this is the best and I would highly recommend giving this book to newlyweds so when they encounter their first difficulties, or little separations, Dr. Chapman's advice would encourage and guide them toward reconciliation. Dr. Chapman is a courageous, disciplined, gifted, spiritual thinker and writer of many books. Hope for the Separated has been very helpful to me.
2 of 2 people found the following review helpful.
pretty good book
By dewayne
I am currently separated from my wife and have been reviewing books to assist me in working through this transition (btw, highly recommend "Lost Love" from either gary chapman or Dr David Hawkins (cant remember which author). I wish there were more books that spoke directly to men where it wasnt assumed that they spent the marriage clueless, always working and ignoring their family, while the woman tirelessly raised the kids and finally gave up because the husband spent his free time golfing.
While I am sure this happens, for a lot of men, this is not the case. Either write generically OR list better new real world scenarios, where the husband is told "I dont love you" and the wife holes herself up and refuses to engage the family, get a job, work on the relationship, etc. and subsequent shenanigans (draining bank accounts, using children as weapons, etc.). The man adds to his current duties and becomes the single parent.
Speaking for myself and other men, I am tired of TV, books, other people, etc. assuming the man is a bumbling idiot that golfed his family away. This, I believe has fueled a number of women into believing that they have to get out of a "horrible" relationship.
That being said, I did like a number of the passages in the book (it has a Chritian view on marriage/separation/divorce) that I agree with (there is no reason for divorce), I especially liked an item on pg 90 that talked about tough love and the misconception of what that is. While the example roles were reversed (see why I am upset above), the wife put up with her husband (who refused to get a job or help ut around the house, etc. in addition to his other nacissistic behavior). The wife put up with the behavior for years. The husband kept taking advantage of the "new normal" and pushed the envelope on his bad bahavior. The wife got to her breaking point and cut him off with the understanding that she will not "take him back" until he straightened up.
This example helped me make certain financial decision with my wife to move towards 1 of 3 solutions:
1)reconciliation
2)divorce
3)becoming self sufficient (get a job) and live as roommates until #1 or #2 occur
Outsiders would say that I was being harsh, however, the author talks through how this is tough love with the ultimate goal of the spouses happiness. Obviously they are miserable, but stay for convenience until a later date. Eroding the family further because they refuse to make thing better.
It has a good amount of scripture in it and also views marriage as I do (no cause for divorce), but prepares you for that reality.
All in all a good book, but recommend the Lost Love book.
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